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My sister passed along this gem she saw on VA$HTIE.com, which originated at And I Am Not Lying. A DC school teacher found this list on a 3rd grade classroom floor, which consists of the 90 different types of bitches in existence. In actuality, it’s more like 75, because one of the pages is missing. It [...]

{This guest post comes from Joe Flood, who recently taught you how to make your blog look good on the iPhone. Today, Joe explains how to promote your cause and get results by playing nice with others.}

The DC Shorts Film Festival has rapidly grown to be one of the best short film festivals in the country.

I’ve volunteered with the festival for more than five years as a judge, screenplay competition manager, photographer and even sold t-shirts. With this front row seat, I’ve gotten to see what works – lessons for anyone promoting a product or cause.

Quality: DC Shorts has a commitment to quality that’s a reflection of the festival’s founder, Jon Gann. DC Shorts books top venues, like E Street Cinema. Marketing materials, from the web site to brochures, are professionally designed and branded. Great sponsors are wooed, such as Stella Artois and Clyde’s. The films and screenplays for the festival are selected by a rigorous judging process.

Ego: It takes a healthy ego to start and run your own film festival. You must convince filmmakers to submit their films, audience members to attend, theater owners that you’ll pack the seats. You must also make countless decisions – when the festival will be held, what the rules are, who the judges will be, what food will be served at the party.

Generosity: If your film gets into the festival and you need a place to stay, DC Shorts will put you up at a volunteer’s home. Winning films receive generous prizes. All films submitted get feedback from the judges. Moviemaker magazine named it “one of 25 festivals worth an entry fee.” This generosity encourages filmmakers to submit their films. And good films attract audiences.

Authenticity: The festival is a local enterprise, fueled by the passion of film fans in DC. Unlike other festivals, regular folks (not critics or producers) are film judges and winners are decided by popular vote – there’s nothing mysterious about the process.

Managing People: There will be problems with people, in any large event or project. Volunteers won’t show up, directors will be mad that they weren’t accepted, filmmakers will worry about when their film is scheduled, audience members will be offended, judges will badmouth you, drunks will need to be ejected – it’s all happened. There may not be good solutions to any of these problems but they have to be confronted and resolved.

Running a successful film festival is a major enterprise, one that holds numerous lessons for marketing and PR folks. Come see for yourself September 9-16 when DC Shorts returns. Volunteers are always needed and it’s not too late to submit a short script or film to the festival.

Joe Flood is a writer, photographer and web person. He’s written articles, short stories, an award-winning screenplay and recently published his first novel, Murder in Ocean Hall. Learn more at joeflood.com.

A few months ago, I put out a call for artists to illustrate a comic strip that I co-wrote with some of my friends over at AM Radio. I’m re-opening the call, because although the artist we selected was awesomely talented, he was simply busy as all Hell. I don’t even know what country he’s [...]

No matter how well we think we know ourselves, there’s always more to learn. We are, after all, constantly growing and changing due to the experiences and thoughts we have.

In this blog, I advocate using your crushes to learn about yourself. Before you can effectively do that, you need a solid starting point. You need to understand who you are now. Thankfully, there are a number of tools available to help with that–and most are readily available, thanks to the wonders of the modern world.

1. Personality Tests

By the time you’ve gotten half-way through high school, you’ve probably taken at least one or two personality tests. The most common is the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator. While it works best when given, interpreted, and followed up by a professional trained to work with it, even a self-administered one can be eye opening. You can take various versions of it online, here’s one. Another, with a slightly different way of grouping the results (that I particularly like) can be found here.

Even the memes that float around on social networking sites can lead to some insight into who you are right now. Unfortunately, they’re so easy to produce that most of them are horribly constructed, bland, skewed, and shallow. Be aware of the source and try to gauge the depth of any meme that crosses your path before you put too much stock in it.

The important thing to remember about any versions of any personality test is that it is only an indicator of who you are right now. Tomorrow, you may be in a different mood and answer enough questions differently that your type will change by a letter or two. Nothing that these sets of questions spit out is set in stone–if we want to change who we are, we can.

2. A Video Camera

Most of us are visual creatures. We’re kind of built that way. Most of the meaning we glean from interacting with others comes from non-verbal cues. What better way to learn about ourselves than to get someone else’s view of how we behave?

Video cameras are cheap these days–many cell phones even have video capability–so this isn’t as far-fetched a tool as it once was. The trick is, you probably need someone to help out and a group of understanding friends who don’t mind being caught on tape as you interact with them. Alternately, set it up and tell stories to the camera.

No matter the technique used, the first few times you’ll be very self conscious, making that early data very flawed. When you get to the point where you forget there’s a camera there, though, you’ll be able to look back at the footage and see yourself in a whole new light.

3. Lists & Journals

Make lists. Lots of them. Write down the thought process you go through to make a decision. Write out pros and cons of what shows you watch on TV. Write stories of your day–no matter how mundane or boring. Eventually two things will happen: you’ll become more aware of the processes you go through on a daily basis and you’ll be able to shift your thinking to a more analytical level when looking at your own thoughts and actions.

Journaling can be one of the most productive things you can do when getting to know yourself. It provides a permanent record of what’s come out of your head before. You can flip back through the pages and see how you felt a week, month, or year ago. If you write about both your good and bad times, you can see the ebb and flow of your moods and start to pick out patterns.

Most importantly, going back and reading old journals and lists months or years later can really help you keep the drift of memory in check. Depending on our general mood, memories often drift either to the positive or negative, dropping out bits that don’t support the direction of the drift. When I went back and read my own journals from my teen years, I discovered many positive things I had completely wiped from my memory as I focused on how awful that time period was.

4. Friends

While it’s never easy to hear some things, we can always ask those around us how they see us. Real friends will offer constructive critiques of your good and bad points. Take anyone who only has good things to say with a large a grain of salt as someone who only has bad things to say. If you really trust your friends, you can ask them to point out when you start falling into certain patterns–like being argumentative after a bad day at work or being flighty and hard to understand when you’re excited about something.

Sometimes, just the act of asking someone what they think of you can be an enlightening experience. It can point out just how much we don’t know about ourselves… and how afraid we are to find out.

5. Professionals

Once upon a time, I would have never recommended a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist as a viable tool for learning about yourself. All I had heard were horror stories of people being put on medications, told how they thought was wrong, and, more or less, coerced into falling into “normal” patterns in order to be considered OK.

Years have passed since then and the world has changed. Many therapists are much more open to non-destructive personality quirks or beliefs and practices that fall outside of the norm (like minority religions such as Wicca or the behaviors of various sub-cultures like Goths or the BDSM scene). Even better, there’s a wider range of professionals available, so you stand a better chance of finding one who’s personality meshes well with your own.

Make use of one or all of these tools–or numerous others that are out there–and you’ll start to get a better idea of who you are right now. Once you’ve started to get a handle on that, you can begin to use your crushes as tools to delve into the depths of your emotional side.

As you flesh out your own view of yourself, two new tasks become important: deciding who you want to be and starting to figure out how to get there.

Next time, I’ll talk a little about some processes that can help keep everything moving along.

Tonight drop by the Clarendon Grill tonight at 7pm to bid on "Arlington's sexiest bachelors and bachelorettes" at a date auction to benefit the Arlington Food Assistance Center. Sign yourself up to be auctioned off or participate in the bidding if you need a date!

This is the ninth year that the Arlington Young Democrats have organized this event. Suggested donation of $5 gets you a bid card and raffle ticket. Or bring a canned or non-perishable food item for donation to Arlington Food Assistance Center to receive a free raffle ticket.

When reporting about DC courts allowing same-sex couples to register for marriage licenses for the first time, The Washington Post ran a front page photo of two men celebrating with a kiss. The newspaper’s Ombudsman writes in his blog that the picture has generated some of the highest volume of reader criticism he has encountered. The phone calls and emails are addressed point by sometimes hatefully spoken point.

…Speaking of same sex marriage in DC, congratulations to Republic of T who jumped the broom with his partner.

The Foggy Dew has a few thoughts on Lindsay Lohen’s attempts to stay relevant (and profitable) in her 16th minute. He hypothesizes “it’s easier to sue a company than to actually get a job.”

We all have those single friends who seem “morally opposed” to one form of electronic assistance for their dating lives. Date the District makes a clear and compelling case for them to change their minds.

Picture of the Day: U Street Girl’s – I Believe this Bureau is Closed.

Filed Under: Spring is Coming

The Average Blogger – Bright Sunshiny Day.

Samantha on Style – Restocking Your Spring Wardrobe.

A Glass After Work – A Springtime Wine Recommendation.

The Life of Mb – A Quest for DC’s Best Gelato.

Ah, I love it. The latest craze video.

Several same-sex couple who obtained District of Columbia marriage licences last week were married Tuesday.

Details:

“First same-sex marriages celebrated in DC,” Washington Post

“Same-Sex Couples Say ‘I Do’ in DC,” Russell Berman, AOL News

“Same-Sex Couples Wed in Washington, DC,” VOA News

“First Same-Sex Couples Get Hitched in DC,” DCist

“Washington weddings begin for same-sex couples,” AP via Salon

 

Image by Mike Licht. Download a copy here. Creative Commons license; credit Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

What is it with lawmakers these days? Rep Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned from office, claiming there was a health care conspiracy aimed at ousting him. The entire time, it turns out that he was being investigated for groping male staffers along with other inappropriate behavior. In the course of a week, this guy has gone [...]

Yep. Another post about how you folks are too humble. Well, you are. Look, I’m not asking you to declare you are God’s gift to public relations. I’d just like you to admit you’re great at what you do and then give me an example or two.

Unless, of course, you’re not great at what you do, which is what the majority of your resumes tell me. They scream mediocrity. And you ain’t mediocre, so why is the paper version of you communicating that?

Each week, I receive a handful of resumes from strangers who find me through friends and the Internet. They ask me to read over them and give feedback, and I do. But I can’t help but think, “Is this really all you think you do? Because if you thought your boss thought that, you’d slap her. Is the fact that you didn’t include any successes on your resume mean that you didn’t have any?” I think not. But how would I know?

So I send back my edits and suggestions, but what I really want to say is this:

If you aren’t prepared to explain why you are fabulous, don’t bother asking a hiring manager to become your biggest fan.

It’s not fair, honestly. From an early age, we are taught to be  total team players; that bragging on your own accomplishments is a sin; that the best things come to those who wait, etc.

Why do I want you on “the team” if you can’t tell me/prove what your batting average is? You don’t have to tattoo it to your forehead, but you should track and be able to clearly communicate your talents and accomplishments. On paper and in person. You’re a professional communicator for Pete’s sake!

So, get out that resume and give your past and current job responsibilities and accomplishments a makeover. If it makes you feel better, pretend your writing the resume of a client. Either way, just do it! And sure, I’m happy to give it a read. But don’t get your feelings hurt if I write back and tell you you’re too humble.

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How not to hit on a woman, writes Brunette on a Budget after an elevator encounter.

More advice: How to get through TSA without a government issued ID. Do you have a Costco membership? 26.2

Secret DC Wilderness: Melvin Hazen Park. Plight of the Pumpernickel

Capitol Hill 20210 writes: This past weekend I was thinking about my ole biological clock and well its almost up. I turn 37 in June — time is running out. I want children, but the question is how?

From unlawfully married to married. They story of the experience lunch at 11:30.

I'd signed up for CrisisCampChile on Saturday, but flaked due to a combination of crisis fatigue, laziness, and despair at recognizing the futility of my own uselessness.

It's been a bad year so far for earthquakes.

Sunday morning started pretty well. The night before, had watched Duke *thump* UNC pretty soundly, and I was all set to possibly enjoy a warm-ish day outside (or at least as outside as one gets walking to and from parking lots).

I was making breakfast, when I had a particularly energetic morning coughing spell and all of a sudden felt a bolting pain over my right kidney and then folded up onto my knees on the kitchen floor.

It's happened once before, coughing my way into a back spasm after jacking my back during a workout (deadlifts this time, squats last time).

It took me a while to get back on my feet, and to limp over to the couch. It was pretty bad for a while -- I spent the afternoon trying unsuccessfully to get comfortable and watching Life, Season 2 (which I'd mentioned picking up earlier.) For a little bit, I couldn't stand up without pulling myself up on a doorframe, which involved having to pad around on my hands and knees.

The little blue pill -- Naproxen (generic Aleve) -- didn't do much for me, but fortunately, Mom had given me a bottle of Excedrin Back and Body after the last time. It's basically buffered asprin and Tylenol, and it seemed to do the trick. Either that, or I'm a rapid healer (I'm not), or it wasn't as bad as I made it seem (it was kind of bad for a while).

So here we are.

The logo for British chef Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution crusade is strikingly similar to that of Mark Bittman’s New York Times blog. Coincidence?

Mr. Oliver’s revolution will be televised, on the ABC Network.

The Bitten logo is likely a trademark of the New York Times; the JOFR name and logo are no doubt trademarked by someone-or-other. They are used here in the spirit of inquiry under the Fair Use Doctrine. Since both logos mimic Spanish Civil War, Soviet, and Vietnamese posters and echo Delacroix, lawyers should probably stand down anyway.

Comments are welcome if they are on-topic, substantive, concise, and not boring or obscene. Comments may be edited for clarity and length.

I just found an ad network check in my laptop bag from October. I’m pretty successful at this blogging thing, but not successful enough to literally LOSE MONEY like that! The check was just for $30, but I’m saying…I can do a lot with $30! For instance… Things I could do with $30 Ball out at Chik-Fil-A [...]

Okay, so that might be the geekiest blog post title ever but I don’t know how else to say it. The situation is this: You have a client and they need to upload an album for download. Whether it’s a paid download or free doesn’t really matter at this point. You’re going to need this process to be as foolproof as possible so you should include both the M3U playlist to cover non-iTunes users and the PLS file format to cover iTunes and Windows Media Player users. This way your end user will be able to click these files and a playlist or album will be created in their software program or the playlist you determine will start to play immediately in their audio program.

You’re going to need to gather some info about your MP3s in order to build these files. Here’s what you need:

1. Artist name
2. Title of each track
3. Length of each track (in seconds – multiply the number of minutes by 60 and add the seconds to it. So 4:22 would be 262 seconds)
4. Full file name for each track (ex. Overview.mp3)

Okay so let’s build our files, M3U first. According to Wikipedia, the file starts out like so:

#EXTM3U #EXTINF:41,Artist Name - Track Title filename.mp3

So for the additional tracks in this file you just cut and paste the example above (except that opening line (#EXTM3U that tells your software what kind of file it is), the #EXTINF: will stay for all files, the 41 is the track time, artist name, hyphen, track title, line break, filename are all kind of self explanatory. It needs to be in this format including the hyphen and line break. Then skip a line and paste your next one in.

For the PLS file things are pretty similar. Here’s what it looks like for a two track playlist:

  [playlist] File1=01_Overview.mp3 Title1=Overview Length1=41 File2=02_What_is_Meditation.mp3 Title2=What is Meditation Length2=287 NumberOfEntries=2 Version=2

So things look pretty similar here. Filename, title, length in seconds. Then you tell how many entries were in the list and it has to be Version=2 for some reason. Again, Wikipedia has the scoop on this but this will get you started. Copy and paste tracks like you did before and duplicate the line breaks like I have here.

Here’s the key to both of these files as far as keeping it simple for your user: Zip all of your files together and include the M3U and PLS file in that zipped directory. Why? I know Wikipedia doesn’t tell you to but the thing is, when your user downloads the files, you don’t really know where they are going to be saved. By zipping the files up, you make sure all the files will be in the same place as your playlist files. So, when the user clicks one of the playlists, the player will look for the files RELATIVE to where your playlists are, and since they’re in the same directory they’ll work correctly :)

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My Dear Restaurant Refugee,

I am that cliché, long time reader but first time commenter (or emailer is more accurate) and I was wondering if you’d give me your opinion on something.

I work with a guy that seems to be a lot like you – smart, good looking, well dressed, and pretty comfortable around women.  I wanted to use International Crush Day to tell him that I’ve been crushing on him for a while, but he was out sick that day.  I’ve kind of lost my nerve since then.  What’s the best way to approach him?  Our office goes out sometimes for happy hour and such but I would never make a move in front of other people.  I’m pretty sure that he’s single and straight but don’t know what to do next.  Help me.

Afraid of Unrequited

p.s. I also wrote to Carolyn Hax, but I am pretty sure I have a better shot at getting a response from you.  If she responds too, I am probably going to ditch your advice in favor of hers.

Dear Afraid of Unrequited,

First, I thank you for reading and taking the time to write me this email and for your very kind words (ed. note: I did ask AU’s permission before using this as a blog post.) I am always flattered and humbled by the notion that people would ask my advice on anything.  As always, it should be noted that free advice is frequently worth exactly what you pay for it.

You don’t indicate how directly you work with this gentleman and that matters a great deal.  You also don’t indicate how big your organization is.  I am going to assume that this chap is neither your direct boss nor one of your reports – sexual harassment is never sexy.  If he is either, you need to put the crush down and back away… quickly.  The same thing applies if you two work in a really small organization or small office of a larger organization.

Your fear and hesitation is rooted in an aversion to rejection.  Everyone has it, men have just gotten more accustomed to dealing with it than women because of societal mores that have men deluded into believing that we almost always make the first move*.  The larger and more realistic question is what are you afraid of?  If you invite someone for drinks and they say no, what’s the big deal?  They have done their worst and said no, but what does that no really mean?

If the worst case scenario is a poor reaction followed by gossiping to coworkers, is that a guy that you would want to date?  From what you wrote, that seems an unlikely outcome, but if it did occur I would consider it a dodged bullet.

Some might consider a public and messy break-up that creates an untenable work environment the worst case.  I consider that situation the cautionary consideration to other questions: should I have sex with him, should I get serious with him, as those are two questions that can not occur without a first date.

My advice:

• As with any dating issue, consider the potential risks and rewards.  The risk here is relatively low, so just ask him already.
• Choose an activity of mutual interest (gallery opening, new bar, billiards, whatever) and issue the invitation.  More than a week in advance can lead to heightened expectations, over-thinking and the like; two days or less can seriously reduce the likelihood of his availability.  Four days feels juuuusst right.
• If he says no, don’t over-analyze** his answer.  Do pay attention to what he does.  You’ve made it clear that you’d like to socialize with him outside of the office.  Even if he is among the breed of men who needs to be bashed about the head with a flirtatious club before he understands that someone is interested, you extended an invitation.  If he wishes to see you in a non-working context but cannot on this date, he will reciprocate the offer.  Whether or not he reciprocates your affections, is another question.
• Do not allow or initiate any physical contact (kissing counts) until you have an all-caps NEED for it, until you cannot imagine the earth rotating even one more degree without it.  It is throwing your cap over the wall in an office environment and you better NEED it before you go flinging it.
• Don’t create an evidence trail.  Email might be an easier way to ask but resist that urge.  If you do make plans / start dating / get serious / whatever, do not send flirty emails via the office network.  This applies to office cell phones, voicemail too.  You must erect an emotional firewall between your professional interaction and your personal.

However you choose to proceed, please let us know what happens.

Best of luck to you,

-rr

* 96.34% of the times a man “makes the first move” it’s a reaction to something subtle and deliberate that a woman has done to give us permission to make the nominally inaccurate but perceived first move.

** notice a pattern developing here?

For a woman’s perspective on this question, I turned to my dear friend, LiLu for her thoughts…

Dear Afraid of Unrequited:

I must admit, my first response is NO, BACK AWAY FROM THE COWORKER, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.

This reaction may or may not come from personal experience. *cough*

That said, it sounds like you want to go through with this, one way or another. So, (sigh), let’s figure out the best way to do it.

Eons ago, back when I occasionally exercised my own feminine wiles, my Plan of Action probably would have looked a little something like this.

Let’s call it…

The “SCORE” System, a la LiLu.

Step 1: “S” is for Stalk.

Stalk the hell out of him. Facebook, Twitter, Google- do what you have to to find out that he is IN FACT straight ‘n single. (A little research never hurt the cause, neither.) There is nothing worse than batting your eyelashes at the Christmas party only to have his less-than-approving girlfriend- or boyfriend, for that matter- take his arm and proceed to kill you dead with eye lasers.

Trust me. They burn.

Step 2: “C” is for Corner.

Corner him at an office happy hour. Get some alone time! Wait until he goes up to the bar, and “remember” that your own drink is empty, too. (After you down it. Duh.) Finagle the seating so you’re both on the end of the table, affording you some privacy. Last ditch move: arrange for some friends to be at a bar next door, and casually suggest he come with you for “one more” when the office group breaks up. Do what it takes, my friend. Get Creative. (Oh, look! Another “C”!)

Step 3: “O” is for Obvious.

Look. Dudes are dumb. I’ve said it, Refugee’s said it… while we have to consider the possibility that this may be a case of He’sJustNotThatIntoYou-itis, because the workplace is involved, there’s no way to know for sure. He could be reluctant to date a coworker; he could be your average dude who is completely effing clueless that you’re interested. So, once you’ve cornered him, make your affections obvious… while leaving him a “Get Out of Jail Free” card all the while. That way, you can both pretend it never happened.

You know, after those first five or so awkward meetings at the copier.

Step 4: “R” is for Read.

Read his response. For the love, try to be objective. Do keep in mind that you are trying to save yourself from having to suffer through eight hours of utter humiliation EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Look for encouragement, watch for disinterest. Pay attention to whether he asks about and listens toyou, or whether he talks about work or {insert other purely platonic subject here} the whole time. Huge, red flag signs of interest are the following:

• Any on-purpose touching. At all. This clearly crosses a boundary between coworkers. You win. (Well, halfway. He at least wants to get in your pants.)
• Insisting on paying for your drinks. This is an easy way for him to show interest/make your interaction more date-y, especially without alerting other coworkers.
• Inviting you to a future anything. See phrases like: “This was fun, we should do it again.” “Have you ever been to XYZ Bar? We should go sometime.” “Want to go to a Pants Party next Friday?”

Just kidding on that last one. Don’t answer that.

Step 5: “E” is for Execute.

Now, depending on how Step 4 goes, you might be “executing” your future forever Entanglement as lovers… or making an entirely mortifying tail-between-the-legs Escape.

I warned you.

Good luck!

~LiLu

ood luck!

~LiLu

Filed under: advice I'm slightly qualified to give, bars aka where we get the booze, blog friends, booze & boozing, Crush with a big C, crush with a little c, dating, International Crush Day, open letters

In life, it is always good to regularly take a long, hard, look at where you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going. Regular re-evaluation of oneself is one of the common-sense keys to positive growth and self-knowledge.

Often, that leads to the realization of a bit of change. Other times it makes clear how much you’ve stagnated and really do need to push forward.

When you need to push forward, you need to re-connect with your foundation.

Since I’m embarking on a bit of a push forward, let’s look at some of my foundation.

Basic Beliefs

I try to keep the basics true to their classification. There’s no mythology here, just what I know deep down to be the way things work. This knowledge has been gained through feeling out my place in the world and through personal experience. I never expect others to buy in to these beliefs, but the form the core for everything that comes after. A handful listed here, in no particular order:

• We are part of a greater whole, all interconnected in ways we can, at best, barely discern.
• We are beings of duality and dichotomy: matter and energy, Good and Evil, Light and Darkness.
• We have been here before and will be here again. Reincarnation, the Universe recycles.
• Religion begins where Science ends, the two are not mutually exclusive and can fuel one another.
• Blind faith is a dangerous thing. Belief (subjective) and Knowledge (objective) are both important components to a healthy whole.
• Free will exists, but so does Fate. Both are optional. Opting out of one is easy, the other is not.

Personal Mythology

Through a number of methods, I have explored my own past lives. Through a bit of reading and research, I’ve explored a lot of classic stories. I’ve been living this life for a number of decades now. These things intersect in patterns that I choose to recognize as important. All of my personal mythology is based on the basic principles applied to a greater story that seeks to encompass more than just my own experience.

For me, the core of that mythology lies in the story of a group tentatively called The Crossers (would very much like a better sounding name, but that’s what I’ve got). The ideas are part gnosis and part synthesis.

I firmly believe that looking at our lives as a narrative can help us keep things in perspective and better appreciate both the highs and the lows.

The Path

Unlike many, I am not really dedicated to one particular path. My practices run the gamut from shamanic to Hermetic. I am dedicated to no master short of the Universe itself and myself. I am willing to take knowledge and wisdom where I can get it.

Basically, I poke badgers with sticks.

The closest I have seen described by others is The Way of the Fool. That’s from the wonderful book The Zelator by Mark Hedsel.

The Future

Now that I’ll be back to writing regularly here, I’m sure these will be expanded upon… or changed completely as I discover new things about myself and the world around me.

One of the comments I got from last week’s tale of successfully crush revelation raised the question of what a successful crush entailed.

The simple answer is this:

A successful crush is one that helps you become a better person while causing as few new problems as possible.

That’s it.

Too often we confuse and blur the line between a crush and an actual relationship. A crush is an imaginary relationship–even if it a component of a real one.

See, a crush deals with our internal hopes, dreams, and expectations, regardless of what reality is.

A crush only has an effect on one person–the person with the crush.

In telling someone about a crush you have or have had on them, you always open the door to two things: a new, real, relationship and more complications.

From Internal to External

Many things that are just fine inside our own heads are not at all acceptable outside of it. We can fantasize all we want about strangling that annoying person at the next table who’s talking loudly on his cell phone. Actually doing it? Not really a recommended course of action.

The same is true of our crushes, but for slightly different reasons.

While there are severe external consequences for actualizing imaginings of murder, there are severe internal consequences for prematurely tossing a crush and reality together–as well as external consequences.

When it’s inside our heads, a crush only has an effect on us. It’s in a nice little sandbox and we can poke at it, prod it, analyze it, and revel in it to our heart’s content.

Toss it out into the public and, suddenly, there isn’t as much control. There are more people involved–you, the person you’re crushing on, and maybe more. There is an exponential increase in feedback from multiple sources, much of which may very well be at odds with the basic nature of the imaginary relationship that has been constructed.

Making the transition from internal to external is where we end up being crushed.

As long as we exist solely in the imaginary, there is no pain.

Harsh Reality

Sadly, we can’t exist solely in the imaginary for any length of time and still be considered functional.

Reality is a rudely persistent thing and will encroach regularly on even our deepest fantasies. Inserting it’s objective facts in place of our imagined perfections. Getting our pristine pedestals (and those we put upon them) dingy and covered in grime. Slowly, surely, and often painfully forcing us to accept what is as what is.

The pain we feel from a crush–especially when we try to act on it–is fundamentally derived from it’s conflict with reality.

This is why I advocate taking the time to ease your crush into something that is closer to reality before doing anything external with it. It makes the transition easier and can teach us a lot about yourself along the way.

Before you can really begin to mold your crushes, though, you have to have a solid starting point. You have to have at least a basic understanding of who you are right now.

Well look at that a bit in this week’s other posts.

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