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The other day there was an article in the Daily Mail about a couple who’ve been together more than 80 years. In that time, they’ve barely spent a day apart and they say they wouldn’t have it any other way.

That’s the kind of fairy tale, once upon a time to happily ever after story you don’t hear very often.

Because it doesn’t happen very often.

Most of the time, relationships fail.

The sad truth of things is that those many-decades long happy marriages are few and far between. That kind of love and commitment don’t come easily to most people… and the world we live in today does all it can to make sure it’s not easy to even believe it can happen.

But right there, in full, living color (and some old black and white shots) you have Lionel and Ellen Buxton, smiling away and fondly remembering their six year courtship that started during World War II.

Over the years, I’ve met more than a few people with stories like that. I’ve met many more who are on their second or third divorce and have nothing but tales of terror and heartache.

What the Buxtons have is a rare thing. Near as I can figure, it’s at least one couple in a few hundred thousand (maybe one in a million) who easily fall into that “happily ever after” category. There are thousands more who, through a whole lot of hard work and stubbornness make things work for a good long time. And thousands more who just stay with who they’re with because they’ve given up on anything better. (That last group–not the healthiest or happiest people around, just FYI.)

Love is a risky thing.

Following your heart is dangerous. It opens you up to all sorts of pain, frustration, and disappointment. Heck, even getting to your heart in this day and age can be a difficult thing. Just like digging out your instinct, excavating your heart can be a Herculean task in and of itself.

Then you need to actually have the gumption to follow those instincts and feelings–even when they seem to be contradictory to what others would consider common sense. (Once you’ve put in the work, no one knows your own heart and mind better than you.) That, of course, will breed some confusion among peers and at times make for a bit of a lonely road you’re walking on.

Even acting on what you know is right isn’t a guarantee that it’ll work. After all, there’s another person involved and the chances that they’ve done all the same work and are ready to dive in like you are… slim, to say the least.

“Happily ever after” is one of those things that can only happen if you actually believe in it. You have to put in the hard work before hand–and, sometimes, during–your life in order to prepare yourself for it, to be open to it. That’s the only way you’re going to stand a chance.

When it does work, it can be forever.

If lucky enough to be in that one-in-a-million group like the Buxtons, well, you get your happily ever after.

And that… that should make everything else–every bump in the road, every strange look from friends, every rejection along the path–more than worth it.

So, start digging deep into yourself and decide what you really want. If it’s “Happily Ever After,” then get to work on it. If you’re okay with “not awful,” well, you’ve got a much easier path ahead of you. There’s plenty of that out there.

Personally, I’ve never been one to settle.

An article came up in my newsfeed about how to trust your instinct. It had some great tips:

1. Listen to your body
2. Understand your brain chemistry
3. Focus on your first response
4. Challenge your instinct
5. Don’t ignore it

These are all things I heavily advocate. (As can be seen by that post I did the other day about brain chemistry and love.)

What the article doesn’t focus on is all the work that needs to go on first for most people. What I tend to call “shoveling out all the crap the world has thrown on you.”

Grab Your Shovel

Unless you started trying to really be true to yourself at an early age (say, 10), you’ve spent a whole lot of time living up (and down) to other people’s expectations. Those expectations come at us from all directions–friends, family, media, pop-culture–and color our perception of just how “right” we are.

This causes two things:

1. Internal dissonance between what we feel and what we think we should feel
2. A whole lot of bad habits when it comes to listening to ourselves over anyone else

All of this crap–and make no mistake, that’s exactly what it is: the excrement of what the world around us has already digested and expelled–blocks us from being able to do any of the things listed in that article on intuition.

We can’t effectively listen to our bodies if we’re always feeling “wrong” because of the food we eat or the company we keep or the stress from our jobs.

We can’t understand our brain chemistry well enough until we get a handle on all the stimuli that are messing with it to begin with–need to separate the biological from the psychological.

We can’t focus on our first response when we’ve been second-guessing ourselves for half of our lives. In many cases, our “first” responses that we notice aren’t at all our actual first responses… they’re just the ones we think we should be feeling.

We can’t challenge our instinct when we think our own perceptions don’t matter.

And if we can’t even recognize instinct when it shows up, how can we possible choose to not ignore it?

Clearing out all that crap can take years. It most certainly takes a concentrated effort over some span of time.

But even then, we tend to get in our own way.

Thinking It’s Not Worth It

If we don’t think that effort is worth it, we’re not going to do it.

After all, challenging all those things we’re told to expect, all those things we’re told are “normal” to think and feel, trying to accept “abnormal” things as true for us–that’s hard and uncomfortable work.

Very often, it gets in the way of day to day life. It causes us to question our jobs, our families, our relationships with friends and lovers. It forces us to take a long, hard look at ourselves.

Really, when most people do that, they’re not too happy with what they see at first.

And, when you’re not happy with yourself, you start to think that you’re not worth working on. Then you just want to forget all about all those flaws and unpleasant things and go back to how things were.

You know, when you were just vaguely unhappy and couldn’t really point the finger anywhere.

Because now, dammit, that finger’s pointing right at you and it’s not pleasant at all.

That feeling is your shovel.

That’s When You’re Most Empowered

Use that discomfort to propel yourself forward instead of running from it.

Pick one thing that’s making you unhappy and begin to dissect it, to manipulate it, to change it into what you want it to be.

Through that process, as iterative as it is, you’ll begin to uncover your real feelings. You’ll dig out the patterns that are truly your own and be able to discard the ones that were just other people’s expectations of you. You’ll learn the difference between having a bad breakfast sandwich and that gut feeling that’ll make you go left instead of right and somehow avoid an accident.

Most of all, once you’re in touch with your instinct, you’ll be able to better follow your heart.

Once you’re free from the expected patterns of relationships, the bad habits of bad choices brought on by ideas that don’t work for you, you’ll be able to love more freely and more honestly.

You’ll be happier.

When you’re happier, you stand a better chance of meeting just the right person.

And even if you don’t… you’re still happier. With yourself.

 

Like millions of other people, I watched the Superbowl on Sunday.

Like a good bunch of those people, I really don’t care about football. I watched it for the commercials.

Now, some of the best ones made their appearance days before the Big Game (which I think was a mistake). Luckily, there were some other good ones that hadn’t seen the light of day before they showed up on the TV screen.

One of those good ones was Chrysler’s all-American rally cry lead by the ever gruff (yet classy) Clint Eastwood.

I’d share that video with you except, well…

That’s right, Chrysler was served a takedown for their own ad by the NFL. Less than a few hours after the spot aired.

If that’s not some crazy copyright wrangling, I don’t know what it.

A conspicuous action like this should serve to show us all how insane some of this (probably automated) copyright enforcement has gotten. We should also be aware of how much worse it could get.

Right now, Chrysler is probably losing thousands of dollars of revenue because of this–and spending thousands more dollars on lawyers to fix it. (Assuming they’ve noticed… and, man, I hope they’re properly monitoring their own sites!)

Here’s the thing: If your goal is to get your brand out there with an awesome advertisement–be you an iconic American car company or a multi-million-dollar sports/entertainment/merchandising franchise (like the NFL), why would you not want people sharing your advertising?

I can’t wait to see how this plays out over the next few days…

Speaking of sharing and ads: if you want to see (most) of the rest of the Superbowl ads, Buzzfeed has a great list. Check it out here.

And if you like what I write, feel free to share it. (I won’t serve you with a takedown notices… as long as you give me credit for my work.)

A few weeks ago, I picked up a handful of books. One of them, Man’s Search for Meaning, has been on my list for a long time.

For years, I’ve been falling back on quotes by the book’s author, Viktor Frankl. They’ve at various times inspired me, kept me going, given me direction. But I’d never actually read anything of length by him.

Man’s Search for Meaning consists partly of Frankl’s memoir from his three years in Nazi death camps during World War II. It’s during one early morning march to a work site, across frozen land, undernourished and wearing only the thin clothing of a prisoner, that he had this revelation:

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth–that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist of enduring his sufferings in the right way–an honorable way–in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”

While I’ve never read this passage before, I instantly recognize the feeling, meaning, and, ultimately, the most definite Truth of it.

This is one of the things that keeps me going. Has for years.

Maybe you recognize it, too.

If you don’t… maybe you should read it a few more times and then look at your own life.

Do you know that kind of Love? Is it what you’re looking for?

More importantly, is it what you give?

Amid all the high-minded and sweet sentiments, it’s always helpful to brush up on the actual biology and neuroscience behind the whole relationship thing.

Scientists have been picking at brains and bodies of lovers for generations, trying to distill (for one reason or another) the whys and wherefores of romance and lust. What they’ve found is a host of interesting things, ranging from the sometimes amorphous theories of psychology to the more easily measurable neuro-chemical reactions that go on.

If all you’re looking at is the neuro-chemical things that bring us together, there are at least five key ones that pack quite the collective punch.

According to this article over at How Stuff Works, they are:

1. Testosterone
2. Serotonin
3. Oxytocin
4. Vasopressin
5. Dopamine

All pretty powerful things. Most of which you can get from your doctor (though usually not as “love potions,” per se.)

They draw us close to one another, make us happy when we interact, make us really happy when we have sex, and, generally, get us addicted to one another.

Yes, you can, indeed, become addicted to love.

(You knew that was coming.)

Seriously, though, those chemicals can get in the way of our own safety and sensibility every now and then. That’s why some “detox time” is a good idea if either person involved in the relationship thinks things are getting a little out of hand.

Something More

Of course, biology and chemistry aren’t the only things that bring us together. There are plenty of other mundane things that do, too.

If you ask me, though, there’s always something more in the best and most healthy or fulfilling relationships. Something that’s not always scientific or sensible.

Not that I’d ever be able to convince most scientists of it.

For today’s questions, let’s forget for a second about all those chemicals we can’t control. I want to know what gets your juices flowing? What triggers your internal dopamine pump and maxes out your oxytocin. (And, if you’re already soaking in vasopressin, what overrides that monogamous trend?)

What Turns You On? (Click Here to Answer)

Questions from the previous days are still out there, waiting for you to answer them:

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date? Click Here to Answer!

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day. Click Here to Answer!

And don’t forget the spread the love and share this post and these questions.

We’re less than two weeks out from one of the biggest “relationship” holidays there is.

As far back as the 17th century, giving cards was the thing to do. But, as technology improved and mass produced cards became more available (and there was an ability to easily send things anonymously through the mail), things really took off. Then, as with most things, the mid-20th century (specifically the 1980s) rolled around and really kicked things up a notch or ten.

Suddenly it wasn’t just cards any more. Now there were candies and chocolates. The jewelry places got involved and started pushing diamonds as the thing to give to show you cared.

We were told and sold that we had to really put forward our A-game in order to prove our worth to our lovers (and friends).

Having soaked long and deep in pop culture for most of my life, I know Valentine’s Day was a big deal for me. As a guy, I felt obligated to do something special if I was with someone at the time (which, really, didn’t come up all that often… most Valentine’s Days were spent sulking and bitter, full of ideas an no one to shower them upon).

Never once did I pull off the Perfect Valentine’s Day that I’d intended.

Something always went wrong.

Being it happens in the middle of winter, that “something” was often sickness or weather (or both, at least once). It didn’t help that the Valentine’s Days when I had someone to dote upon all happened when I was up in Northern New York, where winter really knew how to dig in deep and hold on for a long time. It also didn’t help that it often took place close to the midterms or finals.

One year, I had planned a fancy dinner and night out. Nothing too extravagant, but something impressive for a college student budget. My girlfriend took ill two days before and I had a huge paper due the day after. Those reservations were cancelled and the “big surprise” ended up being a kind of cheesy card bought hastily from Wegman’s.

Another year the plan was to go to a concert on campus together. Not on Valentine’s Day proper, but it would have been a nice, fun evening together we were both willing to count. Except that girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of February.

That’s all behind me now, kinda…

Now, I have ideas of what I’d like to do for that certain someone (who I still don’t have), but at this point my ideas have become so elaborate that they border on grand romantic gestures (which are generally a bad idea, especially on holidays) and financially, if not logistically, impossible. (Armor and horse rental ain’t cheap.)

Mostly, I think I’d just rein in the fantastical imagination that I have and cook a nice dinner, pop in or dial up a fun movie, and spend the evening quietly together. Maybe with a box of heart shaped chocolates nearby.

Maybe.

My question to you today is: What does your Perfect Valentine’s Day date look like?

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Also, yesterday’s question is still out there: How do you feel about Valentine’s Day.

Click here to answer it!

More stuff coming up as we inch toward that big read heart on the calendar. You should be sure to like the Facebook page and subscribe to the mailing list to be sure you’re in on all of it.

Once upon a time, the answer would have been, unabashedly, that I hate Valentine’s Day.

For many years that was my stance on the saccharine-sweet, commerce-created, sap-fest that happens every February 14th.

Of course, that’s when I was single and bitter about it… so… yeah.

As years have passed since those dark and lonely days, I’ve made peace with Cupid and his arrows. Generally, I’m now indifferent toward Valentine’s day as a concept. All the red and frills and fake-niceness (and real bitterness) it brings out still get to me, but I’ve gotten pretty good at not adding to the negativity most of the time.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, I say use it as a chance to revel in some old crushes and build up the most important relationship you’re ever going to have: the one with yourself.

And if, by chance, you find yourself with just the right person on that day… well, by all means enjoy the hell out of it!

For anyone between those extremes of alone and together: you should probably figure that out and get to where you want to be.

Now you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day. I’m running a poll over on Facebook to find out how other people feel about it. So, click the button below and give me your answer! (And you can even Like the Without Being Crushed fan page while you’re over there.)

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Right, it’s been a while since there’s been a proper update here. Sorry about that. As I mentioned a while back in a post on my other blog, things have been a bit chaotic lately for me.

But now I want to try to kick a little more life into things around here, at least for a little while. Fan the flames of the cooling relationship I have with all y’all… stuff like that.

Starting tomorrow (February 1), I’m going to start asking questions, mostly via Facebook (since that’s where everyone is these days), about a few different topics starting off with Valentine’s day.

To get in on the conversation pop over to the Without Being Crushed fan page, “like it” and keep an eye on your stream tomorrow.

That all said, how have you guys been?

Once upon a time, there were only two seasons on TV: Fall and Summer.

Now, things being what they are, we should just be honest and admit that there are four. Forget this “mid-season premiere” fallacy. If we’re luck, a season these days is 12 episodes. Shows that do 20+ episodes a year are, effectively, on for two seasons for every one they count. Everything else (especially stuff on cable channels) splits around the 12 episode mark.

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at what’s premiered in the new Winter season so far.

Alcatraz (Fox)

Another JJ Abrams show about strange goings on with time and conspiracies on an island. Not exactly the same formula as Lost, but close enough to raise some eyebrows. Those raised eyebrows went from skeptical to impressed after the first couple of hours, though. Same Neill does a good job of adding class and creepiness to the story. It’s different enough from other shows that it can keep you guessing at least a little. For now, it’s more of a police procedural, with the main characters hunting down bad guys as they appear, but I’m betting that before long some more internal drama will kick up some waves. Assuming, of course, that the show doesn’t get canceled.

Are you there, Chelsea? (NBC)

A semi-autobiographical sitcom from comedian/author/talk show host/bad girl Chelsea Handler, in which she plays the older sister to Laura Prepon’s portrayal of herself. Sadly, this show just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe it’ll grow on me with time, but the whole caustic bad girl thing doesn’t work for me unless there’s that “heart of gold” tacked on… or some serious repercussions for that lifestyle. The cast seems solid and I’m pretty sure the Jersey Shore and Real Housewives viewers would love it.

The Finder (Fox)

Oh, another quirky crime fighting show. This one about a guy who (surprise, surprise) is really good at finding things. Perhaps due to brain damage received while serving in Iraq. If it wasn’t for Michael Clarke Duncan being in this show, I would have just passed it up. It’s cute, has some potential, but hasn’t found it’s stride yet. Maybe in another few episodes my opinion will change, but as of right now, I don’t find anything special about it.

The Firm (NBC)

The cast of this new series is pretty darn good. Two Cylons, some strong alumni from other shows, one of my favorite kinda trashy actresses (Juliette Lewis)… but so far they’re being totally wasted on more or less standard plots that have been done everywhere (recently, too). Grisham’s stuff is usually pretty suspenseful, with some sharp dialog and forceful characters. The film that this series is following up on was one of the first big hits from him that made the leap from the page to the big screen, a handful of others followed and they were all pretty good. I keep hoping this one will live up to it’s name, but it hasn’t yet.

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (Fox)

This is another show that, if it did anything other play exactly to stereotypes, would be almost good. But, hey, if you like a show about completely incompetent parents (to the point where you wonder how their kids made it to be teenagers), this may be for you. There have been a couple of sweet “awwwww’ moments, but they were almost immediately counteracted by some bit of vitriolic barb from one or more characters. This show doesn’t have heart and, thankfully, it also seems it doesn’t have good ratings.

Rob (CBS)

I never liked Rob Schneider much when he was on SNL. Can’t say I care more for him in his own show. Especially when it’s a premise that’s been done so many times before, with more style and less stereotype. Schneider plays a character (oh-so-creatively) named Rob who’s just married a younger woman on a whim in a Vegas wedding. Now he gets to meet her parents, who just happen to be Mexican. Supposedly, culture-clash hilarity ensues. I had some hope for this show when I saw Cheech Marin was in it (the bulk of the cast is actually talented, really), but he doesn’t have enough to work with to make this worth watching. It’s one thing to use a stereotype as a jumping-off point for comedy in a “haha! It’s not really like that!” sort of way. That’s not what this show is doing. It’s relying firmly on the stereotypes themselves–of Mexicans, Americans, men, and women–for it’s  humor. That ship sailed decades ago, do something new or go away. (Sadly, the ratings indicate that this show won’t be going away.)

Work It (ABC)

Thankfully, this show didn’t last. Like many other shows this season, “stereotype” is the name of the game. If you’ve been around for a while, you may remember an old show called Bosom Buddies that introduced us to Tom Hanks and Peter Scolaria as two guys who dressed as women to get an apartment in a single sex building. That show worked for two reasons: it was vaguely plausible at the time and we didn’t know any better. Pretending you’re a woman and getting a job selling pharmaceuticals in this day and age? I don’t think so. One background check would out you right there. That small bit of reality aside, the show just wasn’t funny. It managed to be insulting to both men and women. Can’t say I’ll miss this one at all.

There are a few more shows premiering soon (and a couple that are on other networks), so expect another installment soon.

Okay, we’re now a few weeks into the new season and everything I planned on watching has premiered. Some of it has been very good, some of it has been very bad, and some of it is already gone. Here’s a look at what wasn’t covered last time.

How to be a Gentleman (CBS – canceled after 2 eps)

The pilot was a little uneven, the characters not all that likeable, but the premise was an interesting one and, if given time, it may have found its legs. By far, of the three different “Man” shows that premiered this season on the regular networks, How to be a Gentleman was the one I found most palatable. Further proof that my tastes are not always the tastes of the nation.

Suburgatory (ABC – picked up for full season)

Honestly, I hated the first episode of this show. It felt both derogatory and disgusting in pretty much every way. It was full of bad, over-used stereotypes, oddly convoluted situations, and not a single feeling that rang true. I know Jeremy Sisto has talent. Cheryl Hines, too. Relative newcomer Jane Levy isn’t bad at all. And seeing Alan Tudyk on the screen just makes the Browncoat in me very happy. But the show just didn’t grab me. Then there was the second episode… and the third… and, well, I’m still watching. I’m not sure exactly why, but the show’s growing on me. They’ve settled into a nice groove, it feels more like parody than just some badly stylized depiction of a skewed reality, and they’re starting to play with some more daring social commentary. If they keep it up, it may end up a very creative and fun show.

An American Horror Story (FX)

This is the show I was anticipating the most. It has not disappointed me. By far it is one of the most disturbing things I’ve seen on television in a very long time (perhaps since Twin Peaks). The mix of supernatural threat with real, raw, emotional stress just keeps you on edge. The performances by Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott as a couple who’s relationship is already stretched to near breaking when they move into the very haunted house may be a bit too much for some people to watch–the arguments they have read very much like ones I’ve seen play out. I’m not sure where they’re going with the story in the long run, but the atmosphere they’re building and the supporting cast and history they’re revealing has been nothing short of impressive.

Once Upon a Time (ABC)

This is the other show I was really looking forward to. I’m a sucker for slightly twisted fairy tales (am I the only one who remembers The Charmings fondly?), but this show has managed to deliver a compelling set of at least vaguely familiar characters in a way that has definitely grabbed the general population. Mixing flashbacks to a fairy tale land with a main plot set in the familiar world the characters have been flung into (with their memories of who they were erased), the show has at least one or two seasons of good plot development in it.

Man Up! (ABC)

This was the second of the “Man” shows to air on the regular networks this season. It’s not the worst, but that’s not saying much. Where How to be a Gentleman has some vague class and potential to get at actual issues of what being a “man” really means in today’s world, this one was just a rehash of everything that’s come before played out with a stereotypical set of male friends. I don’t think I laughed once during any episode I watched and it most certainly did not inspire any thought about the subject. At least not other than “Really? Is this what people still think?”

Last Man Standing (ABC)

Tim Allen’s apparently long-awaited return to sitcom-land couldn’t have fallen more flat for me. I loved Home Improvement, Allen’s Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor was gruff, a bit dumb, but full of heart. In Last Man Standing, his Mike Baxter has two out of three of those but has also added neo-Conservative, backward, and annoying to the list. What’s missing? Heart. At best, this show is rehash of Home Improvement‘s “man” jokes. (Yes, this is the third of those “man” shows this season.) I thought, briefly, they were going to do at least one interesting thing–have Baxter do video blog bits that start out promoting products at the Bass Pro-like sporting goods store that he works for but turn into rants connected to events in the episode. With proper cultivation, consistency, and better writing, that could’ve made the show worth watching. But, based on the episodes I’ve seen, it doesn’t look like that’s going to be happening regularly.

Grimm (NBC)

This is the other fairy tale based show that’s premiered this season. It’s got a completely different flavor than Once Upon a Time, being more of a cop show than anything else. Airing against the CW’s Supernatural, I think it’s going to have a little bit of a hard time finding it’s audience… since it’s going after the same one (which is already at least slightly split between Supernatural and Fringe). It’s not bad, which was a slight surprise based on how so many of the promos looked. Apparently it’s one of those shows that doesn’t work well in clips, but, when you have an actual feel for the characters, it holds up pretty well. At least the characters are a wee bit confused at the idea of monsters being real. It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out.

Updates:

• Playboy Club first show to go. This makes me sad. I think the show had potential.
• Free Agents canned. It didn’t even last as long as the British show it was based on.
• Revenge picked up for full season. This show never grabbed me, but apparently people like it.

For fun:

10 shows canceled in 3 episodes or less. How many of these do you actually remember?