How to Crush Without Being Crushed

A few weeks ago, I picked up a handful of books. One of them, Man’s Search for Meaning, has been on my list for a long time.

For years, I’ve been falling back on quotes by the book’s author, Viktor Frankl. They’ve at various times inspired me, kept me going, given me direction. But I’d never actually read anything of length by him.

Man’s Search for Meaning consists partly of Frankl’s memoir from his three years in Nazi death camps during World War II. It’s during one early morning march to a work site, across frozen land, undernourished and wearing only the thin clothing of a prisoner, that he had this revelation:

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth–that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist of enduring his sufferings in the right way–an honorable way–in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, “The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.”

While I’ve never read this passage before, I instantly recognize the feeling, meaning, and, ultimately, the most definite Truth of it.

This is one of the things that keeps me going. Has for years.

Maybe you recognize it, too.

If you don’t… maybe you should read it a few more times and then look at your own life.

Do you know that kind of Love? Is it what you’re looking for?

More importantly, is it what you give?

Amid all the high-minded and sweet sentiments, it’s always helpful to brush up on the actual biology and neuroscience behind the whole relationship thing.

Scientists have been picking at brains and bodies of lovers for generations, trying to distill (for one reason or another) the whys and wherefores of romance and lust. What they’ve found is a host of interesting things, ranging from the sometimes amorphous theories of psychology to the more easily measurable neuro-chemical reactions that go on.

If all you’re looking at is the neuro-chemical things that bring us together, there are at least five key ones that pack quite the collective punch.

According to this article over at How Stuff Works, they are:

1. Testosterone
2. Serotonin
3. Oxytocin
4. Vasopressin
5. Dopamine

All pretty powerful things. Most of which you can get from your doctor (though usually not as “love potions,” per se.)

They draw us close to one another, make us happy when we interact, make us really happy when we have sex, and, generally, get us addicted to one another.

Yes, you can, indeed, become addicted to love.

(You knew that was coming.)

Seriously, though, those chemicals can get in the way of our own safety and sensibility every now and then. That’s why some “detox time” is a good idea if either person involved in the relationship thinks things are getting a little out of hand.

Of course, biology and chemistry aren’t the only things that bring us together. There are plenty of other mundane things that do, too.

If you ask me, though, there’s always something more in the best and most healthy or fulfilling relationships. Something that’s not always scientific or sensible.

Not that I’d ever be able to convince most scientists of it.

For today’s questions, let’s forget for a second about all those chemicals we can’t control. I want to know what gets your juices flowing? What triggers your internal dopamine pump and maxes out your oxytocin. (And, if you’re already soaking in vasopressin, what overrides that monogamous trend?)

What Turns You On? (Click Here to Answer)

Questions from the previous days are still out there, waiting for you to answer them:

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date? Click Here to Answer!

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day. Click Here to Answer!

And don’t forget the spread the love and share this post and these questions.

We’re less than two weeks out from one of the biggest “relationship” holidays there is.

As far back as the 17th century, giving cards was the thing to do. But, as technology improved and mass produced cards became more available (and there was an ability to easily send things anonymously through the mail), things really took off. Then, as with most things, the mid-20th century (specifically the 1980s) rolled around and really kicked things up a notch or ten.

Suddenly it wasn’t just cards any more. Now there were candies and chocolates. The jewelry places got involved and started pushing diamonds as the thing to give to show you cared.

We were told and sold that we had to really put forward our A-game in order to prove our worth to our lovers (and friends).

Having soaked long and deep in pop culture for most of my life, I know Valentine’s Day was a big deal for me. As a guy, I felt obligated to do something special if I was with someone at the time (which, really, didn’t come up all that often… most Valentine’s Days were spent sulking and bitter, full of ideas an no one to shower them upon).

Never once did I pull off the Perfect Valentine’s Day that I’d intended.

Being it happens in the middle of winter, that “something” was often sickness or weather (or both, at least once). It didn’t help that the Valentine’s Days when I had someone to dote upon all happened when I was up in Northern New York, where winter really knew how to dig in deep and hold on for a long time. It also didn’t help that it often took place close to the midterms or finals.

One year, I had planned a fancy dinner and night out. Nothing too extravagant, but something impressive for a college student budget. My girlfriend took ill two days before and I had a huge paper due the day after. Those reservations were cancelled and the “big surprise” ended up being a kind of cheesy card bought hastily from Wegman’s.

Another year the plan was to go to a concert on campus together. Not on Valentine’s Day proper, but it would have been a nice, fun evening together we were both willing to count. Except that girlfriend broke up with me at the beginning of February.

Now, I have ideas of what I’d like to do for that certain someone (who I still don’t have), but at this point my ideas have become so elaborate that they border on grand romantic gestures (which are generally a bad idea, especially on holidays) and financially, if not logistically, impossible. (Armor and horse rental ain’t cheap.)

Mostly, I think I’d just rein in the fantastical imagination that I have and cook a nice dinner, pop in or dial up a fun movie, and spend the evening quietly together. Maybe with a box of heart shaped chocolates nearby.

Maybe.

My question to you today is: What does your Perfect Valentine’s Day date look like?

What’s your Perfect Valentine’s Day date?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Also, yesterday’s question is still out there: How do you feel about Valentine’s Day.

Click here to answer it!

More stuff coming up as we inch toward that big read heart on the calendar. You should be sure to like the Facebook page and subscribe to the mailing list to be sure you’re in on all of it.

Once upon a time, the answer would have been, unabashedly, that I hate Valentine’s Day.

For many years that was my stance on the saccharine-sweet, commerce-created, sap-fest that happens every February 14th.

Of course, that’s when I was single and bitter about it… so… yeah.

As years have passed since those dark and lonely days, I’ve made peace with Cupid and his arrows. Generally, I’m now indifferent toward Valentine’s day as a concept. All the red and frills and fake-niceness (and real bitterness) it brings out still get to me, but I’ve gotten pretty good at not adding to the negativity most of the time.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, I say use it as a chance to revel in some old crushes and build up the most important relationship you’re ever going to have: the one with yourself.

And if, by chance, you find yourself with just the right person on that day… well, by all means enjoy the hell out of it!

For anyone between those extremes of alone and together: you should probably figure that out and get to where you want to be.

Now you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day. I’m running a poll over on Facebook to find out how other people feel about it. So, click the button below and give me your answer! (And you can even Like the Without Being Crushed fan page while you’re over there.)

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
(Click Here to Answer)

If, for some reason that poll doesn’t work for you, feel free to just answer below in the comments.

Right, it’s been a while since there’s been a proper update here. Sorry about that. As I mentioned a while back in a post on my other blog, things have been a bit chaotic lately for me.

But now I want to try to kick a little more life into things around here, at least for a little while. Fan the flames of the cooling relationship I have with all y’all… stuff like that.

Starting tomorrow (February 1), I’m going to start asking questions, mostly via Facebook (since that’s where everyone is these days), about a few different topics starting off with Valentine’s day.

To get in on the conversation pop over to the Without Being Crushed fan page, “like it” and keep an eye on your stream tomorrow.

That all said, how have you guys been?